Help Me.

On Saturday, May 7, at 1:00 am Chicago time/2:00 am Philly time, my grandpa died. I was watching Gladiator in Meyerson when it happened. I missed all of the phone calls and the text messages because my phone was dead. After the movie was over I trekked back to my room and crawled into bed. I read a notecard that I left on my bedside lamp (I leave a lot of random things there; it's a transition spot. Loose change before it goes in my change jar, glasses while I'm asleep, notecards before I have a chance to tape them to my walls). Colossians 4:3--At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open a door to us for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ. I remember when I read it that I thought, weird thing to read now. Are You trying to remind me of something? I'm paying attention to my roommates, I'm praying for my family. God, I've got this. Then I plugged in my phone. Then I turned it on. From my youngest sister: Call Mom ASAP. From my mom: Call ASAP. Missed calls all over the place, my phone was having grand mal seizures in its hurry to alert me. Earlier in the week, my grandfather had returned to the hospital, having suffered either a heart attack or heart failure. He was old. He was tired. When I saw all of those messages and all of those calls, I knew, and I didn't want to know. But I called back anyway. My mom answered her phone and I tried to explain that my phone had died while I was out, but she didn't even want to wait for explanations. "Grandpa died, Tavi." It wasn't mean, it was just really blunt. Very matter of fact. I asked when, I asked how. She told me it happened at 1 am Chicago time, so I had been in Meyerson with an incapacitated phone when it had happened. I started crying; she told me to call my sister. So I called Ari. She was crying, so for all of three seconds I cried with her. Then I hung up, because my family and I don't do that. We don't share and we don't get emotional with each other, not on purpose. I can't handle my own feelings the majority of the time, and I find myself ill-equipped to deal with theirs. Up to this point, Ari is the only person I have heard cry. Tomorrow is the actual wake and funeral service. I think everyone will cry then. I'm not prepared. After I finished talking to Ari, I cried myself. For real cried, at something like 2:30 in the morning. I was of myself and yet I was outside of myself. I could hear myself crying and I heard the sounds of a wounded animal. I realized I had almost never had a real reason to cry until that moment. That was crying. That was a reason to cry. And it was in that moment that I felt my faith in God and clung to it more tightly then I ever had before. I didn't ask why. Why does anyone die? Since Adam and Eve, everyone on Earth is born fatally allergic to life. Sooner or later, that allergy gets everyone: accident, murder, disease, defect, and old age are all common side effects. I already know the why. Sin. Got it. I asked, "What do I do? God, help me." Helplessness and anger. Is this my frickin' door? 

I went to Lily's because I couldn't be by myself, and I cried. She listened to me and talked to me and prayed for me. Frank and Joy bought me animal crackers, strawberries, tissues. It was sweet and horrible. I did not and cannot believe that this was/is happening. Not to me. I tried to think about it but I couldn't really comprehend it. Grandpa isn't here anymore. He is not shuffling around our backyard criticizing the length of the grass. He isn't sitting in that same spot in the kitchen, or his spot in the living room, or the dining room, or in any room. I said I would see him again when I got back in the summer, but I came back and he is not here, and that's why I'm here so early. He won't ever mow our lawn for us again, or come out to our sporting or academic events again, or help Ari move in, or give me hugs anymore because he is not here anymore. That is what death is. I didn't get it until now. Now I see the potential for sting that death has. I'm not afraid, not for myself. But I am terrified of losing another person. I learned something new; I have new depths of emptiness and new reservoirs of nothing inside of me. 

The next few days after I found out about Grandpa were whirlwinds of stress and selfishness. I had to finish my last final and I had to pack (the horror. the abject horror) and I had to say hurried goodbyes (and in many cases, not say goodbye at all with no chance to say goodbye properly in the future) and I had to cancel plans and I had to keep busy in order to keep from falling into my brand new abyss. Death has horrific timing. I got a ride to the airport and I didn't want to go inside. Got through security and sat at my gate and wanted to turn around and go back. Got to Chicago, went to the bathroom, cried. Got into my dad's car, went to the funeral home, changed shoes, walked inside. Saw people I hadn't seen in ages, met people, re-met people. Saw Grandpa in the casket across the room. Didn't even try to go close. Sat down and took out my phone because my mom said it was okay. G-chatted Cindy, told her about the casket thing. She got it. I was able to get close later and I looked at him. I tried to remember that there wasn't a person inside of the person anymore. That's just a body now. Grandpa is a soul. Soul is gone. Body is here. I looked at him and I had to hold my breath, because when I was breathing my mind played tricks and made me think that Grandpa was breathing. He really did look asleep. People write that in books all the time, and Grandpa's body looked asleep. He also looked straighter. The body I know was always a little hunched over. He looked smaller. He looked a little waxy. I think that's a chemical/preservative thing. And then I left. Like I said, the wake and the funeral are tomorrow. The actual burial is on Monday in St. Louis, because Grandpa the soul wanted his body to be buried in a military cemetery there. I've never experienced death before. I had no idea there were so many steps and so many things to do. I thought you just had the eulogy and buried the body. Wouldn't it be easier that way?

I have never needed church more than I needed now. I have never needed God more than I need Him now. But I'm so terrified. I know I'm not alone but I feel so alone. I need prayer. I need God to take my hand and carry me through this. I want to be at Penn where I can corporeally feel GCC and my other Christian friends, but the next best thing is for you all to pray for me. Please. I need you. I am desperate for help, because I am so weak now. I have no support network here. I am adrift. And yet...this is my door. I need your help because I need to be with God if I want my family to be with God. I need to be whole in God before I try to help them get there. I need God and I need your prayers for me to fill all of the pits in my spirit. I am unashamed to beg you. I covet your prayers. I love you. I love You. Now help me. Now help me. 

My New Birthday

April 24, 2011

Following the Lord in Believer's Baptism.

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!--2 Corinthians 5:17

How He Loves/How I Love

Before I became a Christian and started a relationship with Christ, the most important thing to me was being loved by other people. My parents are divorced, and for a long time I was totally fine with it because I was super young when it happened and I didn’t have any delusions that it was somehow my fault. It was only as I got older that I realized how burdened I really was. It was hard enough seeing that most other kids my age were having a great time in their traditional two parent homes, and it was only made worse having to deal with my own feelings of abandonment and the stress I felt at home. My mom and dad did a pretty decent job of pretending to be totally cool with each other until sometime when I was in high school, when the masks came down and it became clear that my mom could barely tolerate my dad and my dad lived too far away from us to work up enough energy to care. My mom had remarried and my stepdad was my primary father figure until we moved into separate houses—he stayed in Chicago and we moved out into the suburbs, and then I only saw him a few times a month. Also, I was a pretty sensitive kid and got teased a lot at school, suffering a lot of that surprisingly long-lasting kiddy trauma. Since I cried really easily, people would be mean to me on purpose because they knew it would make me cry. Even the people I considered my friends in elementary school periodically told me that they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. Once it was because I apparently laughed too loudly, and for the next several months I tried to laugh quietly or I didn’t laugh at all. Eventually, because being at school was difficult and being at home was somehow worse, I shut down emotionally in the fifth grade, at least visibly. I glared at everyone and rarely smiled, hardly laughed, and often ran off to the bathroom to cry where no one could see me. I was really hard on the outside, but underneath I still wanted to be loved by people, and my emotional state only got worse when it seemed that I endured countless rejections and hurts at the hands of friends and family members. When people did try to reach out to me, I was too sad and angry to really talk to them. I was worried that if I shared, they would just run away from how emotionally damaged I was. This entire time I was in Christian schools. I think my mom just thought education quality would be better. Because of this, I knew about Jesus and for some reason unknown to me I even believed in Him. But He was just too distant to be of any use to me. I wasn’t even sure if He had fully accepted me because I let my relationships with people in my life who had hurt me influence my relationship with Jesus. I kept “going back to check” that Jesus had heard me ask Him to save me and that He hadn’t rejected me. I had no real faith at all. Jesus began working in my heart when I transferred to a different Christian school. My mom took a job at the school, which required that every member of the family attend church every Sunday and Wednesday. It was through these mandated meetings that Jesus finally had a chance to reach me. I even started going to those Christian summer camps for kids where you’re in a church service like, every third hour of the day. It was at one of these camps that I finally sat down with Jesus and told Him that I just accepted the fact that He had saved me, and that He wasn’t going to hear me come back to ask for salvation again. I was just going to believe His promise that once I asked for it, salvation was mine. That was when I finally began to be changed by Jesus. I shared this portion of my testimony during my graduation ceremony from the school I’d attended from sixth to twelfth grade, and afterwards a ridiculous number of people said to me various phrases along the lines of, “So that’s what happened to you.” Not even lying, a music teacher I had once was brutally, annoyingly honest with me when she told me that she honestly thought I wanted to kill her on several occasions; that’s how angry I looked. Thanks, Mrs. White. I appreciated that. I can’t pretend that since seventh grade I’ve gotten over all of my insecurities or kicked all of my bad habits. I still struggle with practically demanding love from people when I don’t trust them enough to love me on their own. Sometimes I get moody or angry when I feel like I’ve been shut out by someone that I would let in. But one of the most important things I’ve learned as a Christian is that my identity is in Christ and not in my relationships with anyone else. No matter what happens with the other people in my life, Jesus is always going to be here for me and He’s never going to turn me away. There really can be no other explanation for the ways that I’ve changed over the years other than divine intervention. I’m one of the meanest people you will ever meet, because I had so many years of practice sitting angrily in a corner and thinking evil thoughts. I’m only nice because Jesus has worked in me to be nice. I hated people, family members included, for years, but Jesus loves people, and now I have the capability to love people, too. Especially since I’ve come to GCC, Jesus has been teaching me crazy things at a ridiculous volume. I can honestly tell you that I have never been so happy in my life. And I’m sharing this with you all because I want you to see and understand how Jesus has completely transformed me.  

Minesweeper

This is my analogy for dating within a specific group of people. I came up with it when thinking about GCC, but I assume it holds true for any group. I think it's more applicable with smaller groups like GCC, especially since people in a church are, in general, thought to be more considerate of other people's feelings. So, without further ado, I present to you:

THE MINESWEEPER ANALOGY

Every young person begins his romantic life with an untouched minesweeper board that looks something like the image below.

Now, boys and girls, there are times when a young man and a young woman will like each other very much. When this happens, they will begin to spend more time with each other so that they can get to know each other better. Before you know it, this young man and this young woman have entered what some people like to call a "dating relationship." One dating relationship is equivalent to one minesweeper click. Let us say that young Johnny has decided to enter a dating relationship with a nice girl named Tracy. Johnny has, in effect, clicked Tracy on his minesweeper board.

Oh, well done, Johnny! Observe: Johnny has managed to successfully enter a relationship with Tracy or, in other words, Johnny has clicked Tracy and has not suffered the devastating effects of an explosion. Explosions, children, are dysfunctional, destructive, or otherwise unhealthy relationships that must be avoided at all cost. So, CONGRATULATIONS, JOHNNY! Of course, there is a flip side to this coin. Johnny has clicked Tracy on his minesweeper board, but look closely. There are now people on his minesweeper board that Johnny will never be able to click again. It would be simply impossible for Johnny to click any of the grayed-out squares closest to his Tracy square. When Johnny decided that he wanted to date Tracy, he pretty much also decided that he did not ever want to date Tracy's best friends Becky, Amy, and Elsie, or Tracy's sisters Stacy and Janine. So you see, children, when you make a choice to date one person, you also make a choice to not date MANY PEOPLE.

Perhaps Johnny and Tracy discover that they are not meant for each other after all. They separate, and Johnny continues on his way in life with his clicked minesweeper board. Suppose, however, that Johnny meets another girl he wants to date. This is entirely plausible--Johnny has many open spaces on his minesweeper board. But do you know what else Johnny has on his minesweeper board?

Imminent destruction.

Johnny needs to be very careful about entering future dating relations, or making further clicks. With every safe click, many other potential clicks are eliminated, leaving fewer potential clicks and an increasing number of explosives. Sometimes, it helps to think things over quite thoroughly and to discuss things with friends and family. Most importantly, Johnny should remember to pray about every potential click. Through careful consideration of God's will for his life, Johnny should be able to steer clear of any bombs, because in his mind they will be marked with red flags. Doing what God wants saves the day, as expected.

Well, I hope that you have all learned a very useful lesson today. Dating is not something to be taken lightly. It requires a great deal of prayer and thought, not only because you want to avoid annihilation by explosive devices, but also because it would be a shame if you missed out on dating someone right for you because you clicked the wrong person first. Go forth, my children, and should you choose to date, date wisely and with a decent amount of protective gear. As Pat Benetar sang first, and countless others after her, "Love is a battlefield."

Goodbye.

Dear 2010,

Hey old friend. There's so much I could say about you. You were the second semester of my sophomore year, when I grew and developed in Christ as never before. I went to the prayer tent for the first time while you were around, and AMI, too. I was a Mini-O's referee with you, and I got to be in Kevin's family group for the SECOND YEAR IN A ROW with you. That was one of my biggest 2010 triumphs. Actually, let's make a list of my top three 2010 triumphs.

MY TOP THREE 2010 TRIUMPHS

1. Growth in Christ.

2. Jon and Cami's GLORIOUS UNION.

3. Being in Kevin's family group AGAIN.

There is some bad news, though, buddy. With you, I had the most stressful semester I have ever had to suffer through. Now, don't worry, I'm not blaming it on you. We got through it and it's over now. But it's because of this last semester that I'm all too ready to say goodbye to you. We had fun while it lasted, and I want you to know that I learned a lot from you even during those difficult times. I think it's time for a highlight reel. And when I say reel, know that I just mean another list, with lots of colors and things.

THE 2010 HIGHLIGHT REEL-LIST (Blue for SUPERGLUE!!!)

1. The Class of 2010. I was and still am madly in love with almost all of you. Just so you know, when I really like people it is impossible for them to escape my feelings, so...we're in this forever.

2. Class of 2013. I didn't start talking to you guys much until 2010, and even though things were and are still rocky sometimes, I really value each friendship I've made.

3. WELCOMING. I love welcoming. I will do it every SINGLE year. It is one of my favorite things.

4. College House Alumni Ambassadors. Dude, we had some mad good times, even though for some reason I was always busy with non-CHAA stuff. For the life of me, I cannot remember what it was. Oh hey, it may have been GCC. Hahahaha, oh my. Anyway, remember that time we met all of these super awesome old people who were related to half of the people we knew in real life and were really great at having conversations and also knew GRACE KELLY PRE-PRINCESS OF MONACO? Oh my gosh.

5. The PRAYER TENT. Listen...I love you. I was so devastated when you didn't show up this semester. I hope to see you again in 2011, you awesome thing, you.

6. AMI. Wow. You helped grow me so much in so many ways. I made friends with some people and strengthened friendships with other people, but most importantly I grew so much in my relationship with God. This was great, but made even more so by the fact that I had to go back home afterwards. I needed that booster.

7. Moving in early. This seriously has to happen every year. There is nothing better than sitting around with friends with no classes to show up to. Every.single.year.

8. SUPERGLUE. Oh, hi there, love of my life. I don't think I need to say much here, since I say it everywhere else. We are forever.

9. Gregory, muahahahahaha. I honestly believe that we are some of the most awesome people alive. People scoff at us because they don't know where we are and because Gregory looks like a prison, but you know what? If people don't know where we are then they obviously aren't cool enough to have been given a reason to come to us. Also, if Gregory is a prison, it is friggin' Azkaban, because it's full of B.A. witches and wizards.

10. The special speakers at GCC. So cool.

There isn't much more I can say besides goodbye. I'll do what it takes to improve on the 2010 Tavi, and you...will go down in history.

Random Thought At Weird Time In Odd Place.

Going to church doesn't make me a Christian any more than wearing a #23 Bulls jersey made Michael Jordan Michael.Jordan. Being a Christian and being a mind-melting basketball player weren't things that just happened. They were things that we grew into and became. I have to work every day to keep my relationship with Christ strong, and MJ had to work every day to keep his skills from fading. Going to church or wearing the jersey doesn't make us what we are, it just tells you who we are.

Selfishness Christmas List-Amended At Will

1) I want to spend money without getting poorer.

2) I want to eat delicious things without getting fatter.

3) I want to hang out over studying without getting dumber.

4) I want someone who adores me enough to take me to all of those places I can't afford. Basically >Applebee's, hahaha.

5) I want to go see Mary Poppins on Broadway, and I want parquet seats. I also want her umbrella so that I can fly away whenever I want to.

6) I want a family with one of each parent and siblings that obey and get along without destroying everything in their paths.

7) I want to be completely irresponsible.