My New Birthday

April 24, 2011

Following the Lord in Believer's Baptism.

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!--2 Corinthians 5:17

How He Loves/How I Love

Before I became a Christian and started a relationship with Christ, the most important thing to me was being loved by other people. My parents are divorced, and for a long time I was totally fine with it because I was super young when it happened and I didn’t have any delusions that it was somehow my fault. It was only as I got older that I realized how burdened I really was. It was hard enough seeing that most other kids my age were having a great time in their traditional two parent homes, and it was only made worse having to deal with my own feelings of abandonment and the stress I felt at home. My mom and dad did a pretty decent job of pretending to be totally cool with each other until sometime when I was in high school, when the masks came down and it became clear that my mom could barely tolerate my dad and my dad lived too far away from us to work up enough energy to care. My mom had remarried and my stepdad was my primary father figure until we moved into separate houses—he stayed in Chicago and we moved out into the suburbs, and then I only saw him a few times a month. Also, I was a pretty sensitive kid and got teased a lot at school, suffering a lot of that surprisingly long-lasting kiddy trauma. Since I cried really easily, people would be mean to me on purpose because they knew it would make me cry. Even the people I considered my friends in elementary school periodically told me that they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. Once it was because I apparently laughed too loudly, and for the next several months I tried to laugh quietly or I didn’t laugh at all. Eventually, because being at school was difficult and being at home was somehow worse, I shut down emotionally in the fifth grade, at least visibly. I glared at everyone and rarely smiled, hardly laughed, and often ran off to the bathroom to cry where no one could see me. I was really hard on the outside, but underneath I still wanted to be loved by people, and my emotional state only got worse when it seemed that I endured countless rejections and hurts at the hands of friends and family members. When people did try to reach out to me, I was too sad and angry to really talk to them. I was worried that if I shared, they would just run away from how emotionally damaged I was. This entire time I was in Christian schools. I think my mom just thought education quality would be better. Because of this, I knew about Jesus and for some reason unknown to me I even believed in Him. But He was just too distant to be of any use to me. I wasn’t even sure if He had fully accepted me because I let my relationships with people in my life who had hurt me influence my relationship with Jesus. I kept “going back to check” that Jesus had heard me ask Him to save me and that He hadn’t rejected me. I had no real faith at all. Jesus began working in my heart when I transferred to a different Christian school. My mom took a job at the school, which required that every member of the family attend church every Sunday and Wednesday. It was through these mandated meetings that Jesus finally had a chance to reach me. I even started going to those Christian summer camps for kids where you’re in a church service like, every third hour of the day. It was at one of these camps that I finally sat down with Jesus and told Him that I just accepted the fact that He had saved me, and that He wasn’t going to hear me come back to ask for salvation again. I was just going to believe His promise that once I asked for it, salvation was mine. That was when I finally began to be changed by Jesus. I shared this portion of my testimony during my graduation ceremony from the school I’d attended from sixth to twelfth grade, and afterwards a ridiculous number of people said to me various phrases along the lines of, “So that’s what happened to you.” Not even lying, a music teacher I had once was brutally, annoyingly honest with me when she told me that she honestly thought I wanted to kill her on several occasions; that’s how angry I looked. Thanks, Mrs. White. I appreciated that. I can’t pretend that since seventh grade I’ve gotten over all of my insecurities or kicked all of my bad habits. I still struggle with practically demanding love from people when I don’t trust them enough to love me on their own. Sometimes I get moody or angry when I feel like I’ve been shut out by someone that I would let in. But one of the most important things I’ve learned as a Christian is that my identity is in Christ and not in my relationships with anyone else. No matter what happens with the other people in my life, Jesus is always going to be here for me and He’s never going to turn me away. There really can be no other explanation for the ways that I’ve changed over the years other than divine intervention. I’m one of the meanest people you will ever meet, because I had so many years of practice sitting angrily in a corner and thinking evil thoughts. I’m only nice because Jesus has worked in me to be nice. I hated people, family members included, for years, but Jesus loves people, and now I have the capability to love people, too. Especially since I’ve come to GCC, Jesus has been teaching me crazy things at a ridiculous volume. I can honestly tell you that I have never been so happy in my life. And I’m sharing this with you all because I want you to see and understand how Jesus has completely transformed me.  

Minesweeper

This is my analogy for dating within a specific group of people. I came up with it when thinking about GCC, but I assume it holds true for any group. I think it's more applicable with smaller groups like GCC, especially since people in a church are, in general, thought to be more considerate of other people's feelings. So, without further ado, I present to you:

THE MINESWEEPER ANALOGY

Every young person begins his romantic life with an untouched minesweeper board that looks something like the image below.

Now, boys and girls, there are times when a young man and a young woman will like each other very much. When this happens, they will begin to spend more time with each other so that they can get to know each other better. Before you know it, this young man and this young woman have entered what some people like to call a "dating relationship." One dating relationship is equivalent to one minesweeper click. Let us say that young Johnny has decided to enter a dating relationship with a nice girl named Tracy. Johnny has, in effect, clicked Tracy on his minesweeper board.

Oh, well done, Johnny! Observe: Johnny has managed to successfully enter a relationship with Tracy or, in other words, Johnny has clicked Tracy and has not suffered the devastating effects of an explosion. Explosions, children, are dysfunctional, destructive, or otherwise unhealthy relationships that must be avoided at all cost. So, CONGRATULATIONS, JOHNNY! Of course, there is a flip side to this coin. Johnny has clicked Tracy on his minesweeper board, but look closely. There are now people on his minesweeper board that Johnny will never be able to click again. It would be simply impossible for Johnny to click any of the grayed-out squares closest to his Tracy square. When Johnny decided that he wanted to date Tracy, he pretty much also decided that he did not ever want to date Tracy's best friends Becky, Amy, and Elsie, or Tracy's sisters Stacy and Janine. So you see, children, when you make a choice to date one person, you also make a choice to not date MANY PEOPLE.

Perhaps Johnny and Tracy discover that they are not meant for each other after all. They separate, and Johnny continues on his way in life with his clicked minesweeper board. Suppose, however, that Johnny meets another girl he wants to date. This is entirely plausible--Johnny has many open spaces on his minesweeper board. But do you know what else Johnny has on his minesweeper board?

Imminent destruction.

Johnny needs to be very careful about entering future dating relations, or making further clicks. With every safe click, many other potential clicks are eliminated, leaving fewer potential clicks and an increasing number of explosives. Sometimes, it helps to think things over quite thoroughly and to discuss things with friends and family. Most importantly, Johnny should remember to pray about every potential click. Through careful consideration of God's will for his life, Johnny should be able to steer clear of any bombs, because in his mind they will be marked with red flags. Doing what God wants saves the day, as expected.

Well, I hope that you have all learned a very useful lesson today. Dating is not something to be taken lightly. It requires a great deal of prayer and thought, not only because you want to avoid annihilation by explosive devices, but also because it would be a shame if you missed out on dating someone right for you because you clicked the wrong person first. Go forth, my children, and should you choose to date, date wisely and with a decent amount of protective gear. As Pat Benetar sang first, and countless others after her, "Love is a battlefield."

Goodbye.

Dear 2010,

Hey old friend. There's so much I could say about you. You were the second semester of my sophomore year, when I grew and developed in Christ as never before. I went to the prayer tent for the first time while you were around, and AMI, too. I was a Mini-O's referee with you, and I got to be in Kevin's family group for the SECOND YEAR IN A ROW with you. That was one of my biggest 2010 triumphs. Actually, let's make a list of my top three 2010 triumphs.

MY TOP THREE 2010 TRIUMPHS

1. Growth in Christ.

2. Jon and Cami's GLORIOUS UNION.

3. Being in Kevin's family group AGAIN.

There is some bad news, though, buddy. With you, I had the most stressful semester I have ever had to suffer through. Now, don't worry, I'm not blaming it on you. We got through it and it's over now. But it's because of this last semester that I'm all too ready to say goodbye to you. We had fun while it lasted, and I want you to know that I learned a lot from you even during those difficult times. I think it's time for a highlight reel. And when I say reel, know that I just mean another list, with lots of colors and things.

THE 2010 HIGHLIGHT REEL-LIST (Blue for SUPERGLUE!!!)

1. The Class of 2010. I was and still am madly in love with almost all of you. Just so you know, when I really like people it is impossible for them to escape my feelings, so...we're in this forever.

2. Class of 2013. I didn't start talking to you guys much until 2010, and even though things were and are still rocky sometimes, I really value each friendship I've made.

3. WELCOMING. I love welcoming. I will do it every SINGLE year. It is one of my favorite things.

4. College House Alumni Ambassadors. Dude, we had some mad good times, even though for some reason I was always busy with non-CHAA stuff. For the life of me, I cannot remember what it was. Oh hey, it may have been GCC. Hahahaha, oh my. Anyway, remember that time we met all of these super awesome old people who were related to half of the people we knew in real life and were really great at having conversations and also knew GRACE KELLY PRE-PRINCESS OF MONACO? Oh my gosh.

5. The PRAYER TENT. Listen...I love you. I was so devastated when you didn't show up this semester. I hope to see you again in 2011, you awesome thing, you.

6. AMI. Wow. You helped grow me so much in so many ways. I made friends with some people and strengthened friendships with other people, but most importantly I grew so much in my relationship with God. This was great, but made even more so by the fact that I had to go back home afterwards. I needed that booster.

7. Moving in early. This seriously has to happen every year. There is nothing better than sitting around with friends with no classes to show up to. Every.single.year.

8. SUPERGLUE. Oh, hi there, love of my life. I don't think I need to say much here, since I say it everywhere else. We are forever.

9. Gregory, muahahahahaha. I honestly believe that we are some of the most awesome people alive. People scoff at us because they don't know where we are and because Gregory looks like a prison, but you know what? If people don't know where we are then they obviously aren't cool enough to have been given a reason to come to us. Also, if Gregory is a prison, it is friggin' Azkaban, because it's full of B.A. witches and wizards.

10. The special speakers at GCC. So cool.

There isn't much more I can say besides goodbye. I'll do what it takes to improve on the 2010 Tavi, and you...will go down in history.

Random Thought At Weird Time In Odd Place.

Going to church doesn't make me a Christian any more than wearing a #23 Bulls jersey made Michael Jordan Michael.Jordan. Being a Christian and being a mind-melting basketball player weren't things that just happened. They were things that we grew into and became. I have to work every day to keep my relationship with Christ strong, and MJ had to work every day to keep his skills from fading. Going to church or wearing the jersey doesn't make us what we are, it just tells you who we are.

Selfishness Christmas List-Amended At Will

1) I want to spend money without getting poorer.

2) I want to eat delicious things without getting fatter.

3) I want to hang out over studying without getting dumber.

4) I want someone who adores me enough to take me to all of those places I can't afford. Basically >Applebee's, hahaha.

5) I want to go see Mary Poppins on Broadway, and I want parquet seats. I also want her umbrella so that I can fly away whenever I want to.

6) I want a family with one of each parent and siblings that obey and get along without destroying everything in their paths.

7) I want to be completely irresponsible.

In Which You See The Ugliness Within

I feel like my attitudes have been pretty bad recently. Between classes, RDP, and GCC, I have no idea what’s happening to my life half the time. I don’t know what my grades are going to look like at the end of this semester, but conservative estimates all read “extraordinarily mediocre.” I don’t know if I’m going to keep trying to double major, which means I don’t know what I’m actually going to major in and I have no idea what to tell my mother if what I wind up with isn’t totally legit. Not to diss anyone, but if I come home with a major in Comparative Literature, my mother will die. Also, I like books, but I don’t think I’m too huge a fan of literature, so that’s not a real plan anyway. I’m stressed because if my GPA some drops below a 3.0, I might not be able to do study abroad stuff. I basically have no wiggle room, and I’m worried and scared. Everyone else I know and live with is doing fine in their respective places, and yet I’m struggling to do basic things. I think I’m just going to take five classes next semester. Heck, maybe I’ll just take four and grant myself a recovery period from all of this horror. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed at the state of things (I’m not flunking or anything, but the state of things by Penn standards) and I just want to sit down and cry for a minute. My heart feels all knotted.

RDP’s gallery got finished up, but between the actual opening of the gallery and all of the marketing type stuff, my attitude toward that grew worse as well. I woke up early on two separate days to go pick up poles because no one else was available-fine, whatever. I taped and posted the building signs by myself, but that’s my own deal because I just didn’t feel like waiting for the other two members of the marketing team to free up when I could just as easily do it alone, albeit with a lot of internal griping. It was all of the remaining stuff that’s irritated me. I keep forgetting to pick up the signs, which means that they are most likely totally destroyed by now, because they will have been removed and thrown away. They won’t be happy about that. I won’t really know what to tell them other than I’m human and I’m not the only human on the marketing team. We also got our poles taken down for us, because one member of the team responded that she would take care of it and then didn’t. Every time I think about RDP stuff, I just feel weary, even though I love the group itself. It’s interesting, it’s fun, and I’ve met some very nice people. Maybe I’m just not responsible enough to handle being in an actual position. That’s on me, too. But even though I recognize that everything is basically my fault, I can’t stop feeling like I want to blame everyone else. Maybe that’s just a human thing, too. *sigh*.

When it comes to GCC, I think I’ve made it pretty clear to almost anyone in my life that GCC and, within GCC, family group, are my favorite things. I’ve grown so much at GCC and continue to grow, and Lord knows I spend the majority of my time doing things with and for GCC and that I’m thrilled to do it. But my attitude is, again, super horrible, because so many times recently I feel so bitter toward certain people, even though I know I have nothing to feel proud in and therefore nothing about me warrants pat-on-the-back type behavior or anything. Nonetheless, I sometimes just struggle to do things for the sake of doing them for God’s glory, and not for the sake of being appreciated by anyone or loved any more by anyone. I think a large part of me loves family group for the people, which is fine sometimes but I think in my case is turning out to be a bad thing, because I’m so worried all the time about whether or not they like me. Unfortunately, one of my least favorite feelings is that of liking someone more than they like me. It’s happening with all three of my family group leaders. I think Jenn likes me more now, so that’s gratifying, but I’m always wondering how I can make her like me more. I adore Little Boots and I’m inclined to believe that the feelings are almost mutual. As long as I continue to profess my fondness for Joseph Gordon-Levitt we should be okay on a superficial level. Kevin’s been my family group leader for a year and a half now, but lightning strike me if don’t constantly worry that I’m just a pain in the neck. Everyone knows that Kevin’s one of my favorite people. I’m working on scaling that back, because the more important I make people, the more I want to be important, too, but you can’t demand the same things from everybody you demand from yourself. With the other actual members of Superglue I’m far more secure. I adore Jihae. I’m so glad that we’re in Superglue together and that we’re friends now. I also have the lovely Petal, who’s so awesomely affectionate that I don’t think I’ll ever have to worry about being loved by her. For everyone else, we’re all at pretty level ground. We don’t know each other very well, so our feelings about each other are pretty much equal. As far as Cruz and Benjie are concerned, I know them from outside of GCC and I’m secure in the aspects of our friendship that don’t concern God, but the rest is all stuff I’ll need to make a conscious effort to develop.

This whole post has no coherence and no underlying theme. It’s just a general mash-up of everything I’ve been feeling recently that I needed an outlet for. I’m such a needy, desperate person. From school, I need these grades and from RDP I need breathing room and from GCC and the people in it I’m desperate for love. And in all of this crap that I can feel suffocating me from time to time, I have the little pocket of oxygen that is Jesus Christ. How sad is it that He’s just the little pocket? I just need more air and I don’t know how to get it. It’s not like I’m not trying. I am trying, but nothing is good enough. I try really hard in classes and I can’t break past a particular grade barrier. I try to do my best in RDP but I just can’t prioritize it over school and GCC. I try to so hard to make the people at GCC love me but I’m so needy that it never feels like enough. And then I try to make my oxygen pockets of Christ larger, but it’s like I fail all the time. Sometimes I try to envision my future and all I can see is sadness and loneliness, albeit with a Bible in hand. If my life feels so frenetic now, what’ll become of me later? I try to have joy and happiness all of the time, but inevitably I end up back here again—insecure and sad, a hopeless little girl who barely counts as a developed human being. To top it all off, it’s Thanksgiving. I didn’t even think to write first about things I’m thankful for. *sigh*

Show me a way out.