Ugh, Ew, Boys, Get Them Away From Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As if I don't have enough to worry about, you know? I have six classes worth of work to do, I have meetings, I have commitments all the way up to HERE, and still. STILL, my roommates cannot let go of this boy thing. They just don't understand all of the different directions I'm coming from with this, and instead choose to just plug their ears and la-la-la me out of the room so that they can get back to plotting my future without my input. The worst part is, it isn't just them! There's this creepy unspoken expectation that 2013 will follow the previous class's example and explode into a dating frenzy. There are my friends from PFP who creepily remember my time limit for boy consideration. People from my church and school back home could NOT stop asking me over the summer if I had met anyone special during my first year. My family...oh gosh, let me just give them bullet points.

• Mom: "So, how is [insert name here] doing?" Me: "Ew/Taken/Gay." Basically, my mother will just be thrilled if I tell her that I've found someone likable/available/straight, let alone if I start dating him.
• Dad #1: "Hey, how are the boys down there? Are you beating them off with a stick? When can I meet your boyfriends?" Yes, he pluralizes. Listening to him is just awful, since I feel like I'm behind the curve here and should have already had multiple romantic entanglements. Whoops.
• Dad #2: "So...Tave...any guys down there that you uh, might be interested in?" Oh, Dad #2. Just so heartbreakingly expectant. Maybe one of these days, Dad #2.
• Ari: "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, will you just start DATING already?! What the heck are you waiting for?! You're surrounded by all of these hot college guys!!! Tell them I'm almost eighteen." Omgosh, ew. I seriously fear for her after this year.
• Tydra (my aunt): "You're so Puritanical." This is basically her opinion of pretty much everything that I do(n't do).
• Grannie Rie: "Any nice boys down there?" Painfully hopeful!!! Oh, how I would be thrilled to present her with great-grandchildren, but further down the road and in wedlock.

I feel like ever since I've gotten back, the pressure has increased EXPONENTIALLY. Melanie and Ama have taken on madly stalk-tacular duties to hunt down a boy they've decided is perfect for me. Even my sister is calling me up to demand that I present her with nieces and nephews (oh heavens, she is going to be such a problem). The worst part of ALL, though, is that my own stupid organs have started to BETRAY ME. MY HEART HAS STARTED BEATING AND I AM SORELY DISPLEASED.

Let's not get excited. It is not beating for anyone in particular. It is just overcome with early (or late) spring fever. I am getting out my Tylenol. My roommates, if they read this, will probably die of joy. They'll use this as an opportunity to shove me in the direction of nameless-boy-that-is-nice-and-whatever. That isn't what I want.

Honestly, I still don't think that I'm ready for the kind of guy that I think God wants me to be with, which is what makes things harder. My Grinch sized heart has grown a size or some such crap, but there is no room for it. I cannot put it anywhere. So now I am all emotional but smart enough to realize that I'm probably still not ready, and everything is just a hodge-podge in my brain. I mean, I'm praying that maybe God will be like, "Oh, surprise!!! You're ready!" but I don't want to trick myself, you know? Because I don't think God goes, "LOL, jk." Any of those moments would have been brought on by my own willingness to deceive myself and then getting called out by God. My roommates (and really, along with my sister they are the primary offenders) are just like, "It's okay, just have a crush on somebody at least. Please, Octavia. PLEASE." They don't understand why I don't want crushes. To me, crushing on somebody is just another way to make yourself vulnerable, and if there's one thing I don't like being, it's vulnerable. I try to be vulnerable where God is concerned, but in all other areas I try to be a freaking brick house. It starts with, "Oh, Timmy is so cute and nice, perhaps I will just try to hang around him more often," and then turns into, "Oh, I saw Timmy today and he was so great I really like him," and ends with either "Oh, crap, Timmy started dating Tammy," or "Oh, crap, I kind of like Timmy but he found out, does not like me, and is now avoiding my like I am carrying malaria." I don't want that. Nobody wants that. I'm not going to open myself up to that until I've decided that I've found someone darn well worth it. Ama is also a bit of an advocate for the Date for Fun Party, but I'm most definitely not trying to do that, either. I've waited this long, so dagnabbit what I'm waiting for is going to be important. I'm not going to trivialize it.

I feel a bit weird posting about boys, but since so many people KEEP ON FREAKING ASKING, I figure this is a good way to sort of put this out there. Also, I feel like sometimes people think that because of my general enthusiasm for talking to people that I don't have many other feelings besides "I like talking and everything else," so I like using the blog to prove that I have a brain and other functioning organs .

Just a snippet stream of consciousness

tiredclassesstressedstupidughboysroommatesoutofcontrolwhatthehecksegwaydiningplanaskaboutstreamersaskaboutdoublemajoringdon'tforgetanytingcleanroomgotothegymbeprettykeeptryingdon'tEATthatomgoshcalmomdon'tstresspayforticketfixschedulelose50eitherwayDON'TPANICdon'tpressthespacebarhahahait'sactuallynottoohotinhereineedtosleepineedmoneyineedtoberichsothaticantakecareofeverybodyelseiampressurediwantapizzalunchableWITHPEPPERONIidon'twanttheonewithjustcheesegoshineedtobuythingsineedthingsthatdon'tcostmoneyineedmoneyineedtextbooksineedtobesuperangryatthisprofessorbutican'the'ssofunnyandniceandyouknowwhatitreallyistimeforsleep.