I feel like my attitudes have been pretty bad recently. Between classes, RDP, and GCC, I have no idea what’s happening to my life half the time. I don’t know what my grades are going to look like at the end of this semester, but conservative estimates all read “extraordinarily mediocre.” I don’t know if I’m going to keep trying to double major, which means I don’t know what I’m actually going to major in and I have no idea what to tell my mother if what I wind up with isn’t totally legit. Not to diss anyone, but if I come home with a major in Comparative Literature, my mother will die. Also, I like books, but I don’t think I’m too huge a fan of literature, so that’s not a real plan anyway. I’m stressed because if my GPA some drops below a 3.0, I might not be able to do study abroad stuff. I basically have no wiggle room, and I’m worried and scared. Everyone else I know and live with is doing fine in their respective places, and yet I’m struggling to do basic things. I think I’m just going to take five classes next semester. Heck, maybe I’ll just take four and grant myself a recovery period from all of this horror. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed at the state of things (I’m not flunking or anything, but the state of things by Penn standards) and I just want to sit down and cry for a minute. My heart feels all knotted.
RDP’s gallery got finished up, but between the actual opening of the gallery and all of the marketing type stuff, my attitude toward that grew worse as well. I woke up early on two separate days to go pick up poles because no one else was available-fine, whatever. I taped and posted the building signs by myself, but that’s my own deal because I just didn’t feel like waiting for the other two members of the marketing team to free up when I could just as easily do it alone, albeit with a lot of internal griping. It was all of the remaining stuff that’s irritated me. I keep forgetting to pick up the signs, which means that they are most likely totally destroyed by now, because they will have been removed and thrown away. They won’t be happy about that. I won’t really know what to tell them other than I’m human and I’m not the only human on the marketing team. We also got our poles taken down for us, because one member of the team responded that she would take care of it and then didn’t. Every time I think about RDP stuff, I just feel weary, even though I love the group itself. It’s interesting, it’s fun, and I’ve met some very nice people. Maybe I’m just not responsible enough to handle being in an actual position. That’s on me, too. But even though I recognize that everything is basically my fault, I can’t stop feeling like I want to blame everyone else. Maybe that’s just a human thing, too. *sigh*.
When it comes to GCC, I think I’ve made it pretty clear to almost anyone in my life that GCC and, within GCC, family group, are my favorite things. I’ve grown so much at GCC and continue to grow, and Lord knows I spend the majority of my time doing things with and for GCC and that I’m thrilled to do it. But my attitude is, again, super horrible, because so many times recently I feel so bitter toward certain people, even though I know I have nothing to feel proud in and therefore nothing about me warrants pat-on-the-back type behavior or anything. Nonetheless, I sometimes just struggle to do things for the sake of doing them for God’s glory, and not for the sake of being appreciated by anyone or loved any more by anyone. I think a large part of me loves family group for the people, which is fine sometimes but I think in my case is turning out to be a bad thing, because I’m so worried all the time about whether or not they like me. Unfortunately, one of my least favorite feelings is that of liking someone more than they like me. It’s happening with all three of my family group leaders. I think Jenn likes me more now, so that’s gratifying, but I’m always wondering how I can make her like me more. I adore Little Boots and I’m inclined to believe that the feelings are almost mutual. As long as I continue to profess my fondness for Joseph Gordon-Levitt we should be okay on a superficial level. Kevin’s been my family group leader for a year and a half now, but lightning strike me if don’t constantly worry that I’m just a pain in the neck. Everyone knows that Kevin’s one of my favorite people. I’m working on scaling that back, because the more important I make people, the more I want to be important, too, but you can’t demand the same things from everybody you demand from yourself. With the other actual members of Superglue I’m far more secure. I adore Jihae. I’m so glad that we’re in Superglue together and that we’re friends now. I also have the lovely Petal, who’s so awesomely affectionate that I don’t think I’ll ever have to worry about being loved by her. For everyone else, we’re all at pretty level ground. We don’t know each other very well, so our feelings about each other are pretty much equal. As far as Cruz and Benjie are concerned, I know them from outside of GCC and I’m secure in the aspects of our friendship that don’t concern God, but the rest is all stuff I’ll need to make a conscious effort to develop.
This whole post has no coherence and no underlying theme. It’s just a general mash-up of everything I’ve been feeling recently that I needed an outlet for. I’m such a needy, desperate person. From school, I need these grades and from RDP I need breathing room and from GCC and the people in it I’m desperate for love. And in all of this crap that I can feel suffocating me from time to time, I have the little pocket of oxygen that is Jesus Christ. How sad is it that He’s just the little pocket? I just need more air and I don’t know how to get it. It’s not like I’m not trying. I am trying, but nothing is good enough. I try really hard in classes and I can’t break past a particular grade barrier. I try to do my best in RDP but I just can’t prioritize it over school and GCC. I try to so hard to make the people at GCC love me but I’m so needy that it never feels like enough. And then I try to make my oxygen pockets of Christ larger, but it’s like I fail all the time. Sometimes I try to envision my future and all I can see is sadness and loneliness, albeit with a Bible in hand. If my life feels so frenetic now, what’ll become of me later? I try to have joy and happiness all of the time, but inevitably I end up back here again—insecure and sad, a hopeless little girl who barely counts as a developed human being. To top it all off, it’s Thanksgiving. I didn’t even think to write first about things I’m thankful for. *sigh*
Show me a way out.
