Grrarrggghhhhhuuuggghhh *weep*

I really enjoy college. Honestly, I do. I'm thrilled to the high heavens that my textbooks just came in today and I've started reading one of them and I have all of these (most likely short-lived) aspirations to be the BEST STUDENT EVER, and I want classes to start soon. That being said, I pretty much want classes to start so that I'm busy. Being busy takes my mind off of the fact that I'm feeling heinously displaced, despite starting my second year. I don't know if I can explain this properly, but I'll try. I feel like coming back to Penn for my sophomore year has been almost the same as coming for my freshman year. I feel so anxious, and I'm like, HOW WILL I MAKE FRIENDS??? And I'm so worried that I'm going to end up slouching in a corner somewhere because I'm too afraid to talk to people and that my roommates won't like me and that I'm going to be some sort of heartbroken social pariah. But everything's fine. I have nothing to stress about really, but I'm stressing about everything. For real, I was thinking earlier, maybe I should have a notebook to write notes in while I actually read, even though I'll be taking notes during class. And then I remembered that I pretty much don't have notebooks (though I think I have a couple in storage). And then my heart almost stopped and I almost wanted to cry. That isn't healthy! I don't know what's wrong. It's worst when I'm tired. When I'm up in the morning and running all over with Melanie and Ama and Victoria, everything's great. I'm like, phew, I have friends. But when I stop moving I start to get really insecure and worried about everything, and I'm like, checking my email to find out about GCC and RDP and working and classes and I remember something I was supposed to do and I feel so FREAKING HOT in this non air-conditioned place and my room is making me feel like crap because I don't know how I'm going to make everything fit and this nugget of anxiety/insanity builds up in my chest until I finally call my Mom. Because on top of everything I am also homesick, which is just lovely after all of the time I spent counting down the weeks until I was back at school. Thinking about hanging out with GCC calms me down, because I'm like, Oh, phew, God is there. But God is here, too. I just have to really believe that and talk to Him and not blame my environment for my attitudes (because I really hate it when people do that). But there you go. I'm anxious and stressed and homesick and it makes me wanna curl up somewhere and feel sorry for myself and maybe cry a little. But it's too hot to really do much curling up in Gregory. I'd have to go somewhere else. Still.

I'm Not Really That Deep

I can't keep having meaningful moments every day. Besides, with what you all know of my trust issues, do you really think I'd share everything anyway? Precisely. But I did want to give some sort of update into my life even though nothing too humongous is going on. This is:

THE WEEKLY RUNDOWN!!! (Exclamation points added in hopes that their presence will retroactively make the week more exciting than it actually was.)

• Monday: I journeyed into downtown Chicago with 2013's very own Sunny Kang. It was great; we totally did the tourist thing. Even after Sunny's digital camera battery ran out, we weren't going to let that stop us from serious selca-ing (yeah, that's right, I just casually dropped some non-English slang into a sentence). We stopped in a Walgreen's on the magnificent mile and bought some disposables! Which I still need to have developed, btdubs, so I'll have to do that first thing tomorrow since I leave on Sunday!!! I also went out with two of my friends from home later that night and saw the mind-numbing Eat, Pray, Love. I wanted to kill myself both during and after the movie. I should have killed myself beforehand and spared my brain the viewing. Nearly three hours of my life, wasted. Eat, Pray, Shoot Me.
• Tuesday: I spent until the wee hours of Tuesday morning taking down my braids, stopping to sleep at 4 am when I had dismantled my entire head and had combed out my hair. I snagged six hours of sleep and then woke up to finish the job. First, I took pictures, since I did promise. The first set of pictures were with my large, relatively straighter afro. Then I washed my hair with some serious business black people shampoo and conditioner and took more pictures with the smaller, curlier afro. All of these pictures are on Facebook for your viewing pleasure, as you will never, ever get to see me without braids in person. I'm not even going to apologize for that. The rest of Tuesday was spent bumming around until it was time for my appointment. Gigi, the woman I've been going to for the past couple of years, is a wicked fast braider but often schedules appointments right on top of each other so that you're waiting at least an hour before she even starts on you. She didn't disappoint on Tuesday. I was late, practically on purpose since I expected the sitting, and even after all that. Still with the sitting. Yeesh. I read a book and a half, tried to play my Nintendo DS, nodded off, and participated eagerly in Wheel of Fortune. I also watched the most of an episode of Wipeout I ever have, and it was hilarious. The Smackwall...HAHAHA.
• Wednesday: Well, something happened on Wednesday, but what was it? Oh, the great phone hunt. My sister and I have been trying to get new phones, and finally we decided on the phone and what have you, but ordering online didn't work. I needed to go to some store and verify my identity or some crap like that. So then we do that, but we can't get any of the discounts at the store. Turns out AT&T authorized retailers are franchised out like Subways or whatever, so that was just a super frustrating five hour long experience, arguing with salespeople and then schlepping all over the place in search of the phones we wanted. The store in the mall FIVE MINUTES AWAY from our house agreed to give us all of the discounts, but they haven't gotten the phones yet. A salesperson named Kelly promised me they'd be in tomorrow afternoon. We shall see.
  
• Thursday: I did a great deal of packing and laundry on Thursday. The phones hadn't come in, which I know because I called and asked.*Sigh*. I don't remember anything else of note happening on this day. I am running out of money, I think, was a thought that went through my head. Should I have worked this week, was the next thought, but I promptly laughed it out the door and slammed it shut and bolted it and forbid it reentry.
• Friday: That's today, so yeah. Did some more packing and singing to my Grooveshark playlist. My mom came home in the middle of the day to drop of my sister and told me that she had given our daycamp boss what for, which greatly pleased me because I have never been fond of that man. He manages to make everything all about himself, unless it comes to taking responsibility in which case he deflects like nuts. And then, this one time, the 3-5 year age group was on a field trip at this place that had paddle boats. All of my kids were like, Wheeennnnn can we go to the boats, Miss Tavi, and finally we made it to the boats, and the line was astronomical. So we're waiting and waiting and the daycamp boss man gets in line with us ahead of like, two families. And I was like, Um...? And tried to shoot meaningful glances and the people he had just jumped, and he was just sort of, Ho hum. Oh, I'm getting so annoyed just thinking about this next bit. He puts his son IN FRONT OF MY KIDS. Who had been waiting, so patiently, and they were being so well-behaved even though it was like a million degrees. And I was like, EXCUSE ME? But not, because he had the power to fire me, and I was just giving him very disapproving looks. I am so glad I am never working there again, because now if he ticks me off I can just say so. I have no respect for that dude. Sorry if I'm disappointing anyone. Anyway, that was a huge digression. Basically, my mom came back with Ari and brought me a salad, which was great because I was wondering what I could make to eat out of three Hershey kisses, a cheese stick, and some butterscotch candies. Nothing delicious or healthy, I can tell you that. Okay...maybe delicious. Then my mom reminded me that I had to turn in my work key, and I was like, Oh crap, because I totes did not remember where I'd left that thing. So instead of bumming around at home while my sister went to her last ever high school orientation, I went, too, so that I could search our car for it. Our car is a straight up disaster, so this is more serious than it sounds. BUT I FOUND IT, hallelujah, Lord be praised. I was starting to work my way up to getting stressed. I also won a raffle at this new brainy store that opened up in Woodfield mall, so I got a free board game. It's the junior version, and the guy behind the counter wouldn't let me upgrade it, which irked me, but whatever. It still seems fun. And it was free, so really, who am I to complain? On the way back home I texted furiously with Ama, who is fed up with our BFFLS Jing and Bryant (and I don't blame her; those boys need replacing) and has also been plotting something nefarious with our other roommate Melanie. She still won't tell me what it is, but I have only bad feelings about this. They never want to convince me to do anything like, I don't know, save kittens or something. It's always, Octavia, go date some boys. Octavia, let's all get matching tattoos in the future. Hah! I don't think so.

TTFN.

This Post Is Of Next to No Significance.

I started writing this blog because I wanted to make public some of the things I was experiencing in both my Christian walk and my regular life. I mean, obviously those two things should be one thing, but I think you understand what it is I'm trying to say so I'm going to stop rationalizing that statement now. Anyway, I was talking to a 2013 sister about how hard it is to be genuinely open with people, at least for me. On My Yay was, I think, a pretty decent first step, but it's easier to be open across the internet when people can't see your eyes or listen to the tone of your voice or note your body language a la Lie to Me. When I'm face to face with people, I have to work to want to share with them. I don't know if it was my time at Satan's Darlings Elementary, or a natural byproduct of my dysfunctional family life, but I don't want to be open with anyone. Of course, most normal people won't be open right away, but honestly, it takes me an abnormally long time to be comfortable sharing with a person. Sure, I did it (to a point) in family group and I do it (to a point) with the other 2013 sisters, but I'll always manage to stop just short of truly opening up. I (and the other 2013 girl totally concurred) have this idea that everyone else has his life sorted out, and that my life is absolute wreckage in comparison. I don't want to share with people because I feel in my heart that once they know what really goes on inside of my head and in the rest of my life, those people will feel so burdened by the mess I am that they will run in the opposite direction. Emotionally secure I am not. Too many times I have been abandoned (and I won't open up about it because it's just too much [Oh, gosh, see? But I just can't.]) for me to trust that anyone can see all that I really am and not go away or shut me out. Here would typically be inserted the upswing of this post, that part that goes, "And so I see that God is the only one who truly accepts me just as I am, and He will never leave me nor forsake me. Amen, hallelujah." All of that is true; all of that's great. For this particular post, though, I'm not just concerned about my relationship with God, though, of course, that's a priority. I'm concerned about my ability to truly fellowship with other believers. When I'm talking to anyone I really want to have fun and be chill and just talk. Talking's fun. Talking is one of my favorite things to do. But I really start to clam up when the time rolls around to start talking about our feelings and crap. I can't just be like, I feel so awful because of what's happening here, because then I'm vulnerable. But being vulnerable is supposed to be a good thing when it comes to the Christian family, right? Except I hate it and I want no part of it. Then I get that expectant look and I share but it's always a modified version of what's really going on, or it's something that'll get people to move along rather than what's actually going on. Trust issues, that's what that is. But what do I do? Push through it, I guess. Share without regard to the risks. Ugh, I hate it. I want no part of it. But I guess I'll do it.

Even So, Amen.

One of the first things that hit and stuck with me from the book of Revelation came right at the first chapter. This is, of course, before John starts to recount all of the doom and gloom that's headed Earth's way after God opens up His can of Butt-Whup. John is winding up to share the vision God gave to Him; he's already seen everything that's coming. He knows exactly what God is bringing down on His creation, and this is what he says: "Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen." (Revelation 1:7, KJV).

I mean, really? Even so, Amen? I have a hard enough time dealing with my comparatively minor problems without feeling put upon or miserable, and John sees the end of the world in a vision and says, "Even so, Amen." I still haven't forgotten that verse, that phrase at the end has started to become something that I repeat under my breath when things start to get crazy. Praise has been one of the areas in my Christian walk that I've struggled with the most. I made some serious progress with this during/after AMI, when I really started working on remembering that I'm singing and praying and worshiping a God who hears me. When I praise God, I shouldn't just be talking to myself, or trying to hit all of the high notes, or hoping for a song I like better to come up next. When I'm praising God it should be all about God and how much I owe Him and how much I love Him/should love Him/am trying to love Him. Not long after this verse got lodged in my heart, I started actually listening to all of this Hillsong music Jessie burned me a while back. Not that I hadn't been listening to it before, Jessie, just that I would turn it on and start multi-tasking, which I realize probably isn't a good idea, but there you go. Anyway, my focus was still on "Even so, Amen." I was going through the songs and stopped on one I hadn't remembered hearing before, at least not for a long time. Anyone who's reading this has probably heard of it, but my experience with CCM has been extremely limited, so pardon my ignorance. It was Desert Song by Hillsong. I honestly couldn't believe how well the lyrics fit into my current convictions. All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship. Come on, now. That couldn't have been much closer to "Even so, Amen" if they had freaking plagiarized John.

So yeah, that's one of the things on my heart these days. Remembering to praise God no matter what's happening, which gets really difficult sometimes and never really gets easy, does it? There are other things that are up in my head/heart. I haven't been blogging regularly, so instead of my typical verb diarrhea I've got this uncomfortable verbal constipation. Give me time. It'll all come out. Hahaha, scatological references. That was straight up the most disgusting analogy I've ever used. I'm kind of proud of it.

...Eh?

I am honestly a little puzzled by what I am seeing right now. The kids are napping, as is usual for this time of the day, and I am watching a show on Hulu (also usual). Today is one of the lucky days where I got to choose whether or not I wanted the long-form commercial or the short commercials butting into my viewing. I picked long-form, obvs. Anyway, I muted the commercial because they tend to be louder than the actual show and I didn't want to wake up my kids, and then I was like, Dude. This commercial makes no sense. The commercial is for something called Tom's of Maine. They keep showing the side of the packaging, like, ingredient information, and then lots of people smiling. Then sometimes there are shots of people picking up garbage. There's a picture of a tube of toothpaste putting the toothpaste on a brush, and the word 'Honest' is next to it. If you use this toothpaste, people will think you have an honest smile. If you wear this deodorant, you will want to perform community service. Oh, hey, the word 'Human.' This moisturizer was made for humans. Or contains bits of human. It's impossible to tell with the screen on mute.

I have murder on my mind. But not in a creepy way.

I'm reading my way through my library's Agatha Christie section. I straight up adore this woman. On my iTunes I have a whole bunch of Agatha Christie murder mystery podcasts, and one 8+ hour audiobook. Audiobooks are the bomb. I like to listen to things while I sleep, so I turn on the audiobook and fall asleep to that. The next night I skip forward like, twenty minutes and then keep listening. I wonder how long it'll take me to finish the darn thing. Oh, hey, my kids are starting to wake up. The audacity they have, not being sleepy anymore. Laters.

Improv

Hiii!!! I know, it's been forever since I blog posted. I'm going to try to do better about it; just blog about my day and about random things without trying to seem alternately funny or profound. Honestly, though, I just sort of crashed internally after my NBT experience. My summer since then has been a struggle to regain my footing, spiritually speaking. Even not spiritually speaking, my summer has been a bit of a fail. I had all of these plans for what I wanted to accomplish, and this marvelous little vision of the Tavi I would be at the end of the summer, and I haven't gotten anywhere. I made slight improvements in some places, but nothing near like what I had hoped. I do think, though, that although on the outside I haven't gotten any better, on the inside I've definitely made some developments as a person. Working with the kids, even though I love to whine about them, has been great. I've learned a lot from them and I've been provoked to thought even by the littlest things they do. I've picked up a few books to read and learned some new things and new mindsets. When I get back to school and classes, I have confidence that I'll be capable of some serious butt-whupping.

I'm a little distracted right now. My kids are napping and I have an episode of The Gates playing on Hulu. So, while I've been typing up there, I have all of this vampire vs. werewolf + succubi and witch drama pumping into my ears. I wonder if it's a small sign that I'm growing up that I like the adult storylines on The Gates better than the high school storylines. To be honest, even when I was in high school I was never very appreciative of its drama, but it all seems even more ridiculous to me now. Instead, I'm all up in here like, Duuuude, Claire cannot keep hunting with Christian behind Dylan's back, because hello, what about their kill-able human daughter Emily? Devon is so evil and yet, slightly sympathetic. I hope she gets her revenge but she better not mess with the vampire family that I have decided is my favorite. That Vanessa woman is a liar. Drama! Lol, this show is pretty fun. If it were all about vampires, I would be sorely displeased, but this is closer to being the bastard child of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Desperate Housewives than Vampire Diaries meets Twilight, and thank goodness. If I have to sit through any more insipid vampire romance, I'm going to decapitate someone. Most likely Robert Pattinson. Sparkly twit. I know, I know, he's doing a job. Like I care.

Recently, I've been watching a lot of movies. I love movies, not even gonna pretend otherwise. I love movies and I love previews, and I've spent more money this summer on going to movies than on anything else (clothes/food/whatever). And omgosh! Sorry, things on The Gates just got mad intense! Christian wanted to turn Claire but Dylan did and now Claire and Dylan are married but Christian is trying to blackmail Claire into being with him but Claire's all, listen...I love Dylan. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! OMGOSH!!! Oh no, HE DIDN'T!!! I'm not even going to tell you, because you should just go watch The Gates and then we can all talk about it back at Penn. Listen, I need to go devote my full attention to all this. I'll blog again tomorrow, or at least I'll try. Bye!