Selfishness Christmas List-Amended At Will

1) I want to spend money without getting poorer.

2) I want to eat delicious things without getting fatter.

3) I want to hang out over studying without getting dumber.

4) I want someone who adores me enough to take me to all of those places I can't afford. Basically >Applebee's, hahaha.

5) I want to go see Mary Poppins on Broadway, and I want parquet seats. I also want her umbrella so that I can fly away whenever I want to.

6) I want a family with one of each parent and siblings that obey and get along without destroying everything in their paths.

7) I want to be completely irresponsible.

In Which You See The Ugliness Within

I feel like my attitudes have been pretty bad recently. Between classes, RDP, and GCC, I have no idea what’s happening to my life half the time. I don’t know what my grades are going to look like at the end of this semester, but conservative estimates all read “extraordinarily mediocre.” I don’t know if I’m going to keep trying to double major, which means I don’t know what I’m actually going to major in and I have no idea what to tell my mother if what I wind up with isn’t totally legit. Not to diss anyone, but if I come home with a major in Comparative Literature, my mother will die. Also, I like books, but I don’t think I’m too huge a fan of literature, so that’s not a real plan anyway. I’m stressed because if my GPA some drops below a 3.0, I might not be able to do study abroad stuff. I basically have no wiggle room, and I’m worried and scared. Everyone else I know and live with is doing fine in their respective places, and yet I’m struggling to do basic things. I think I’m just going to take five classes next semester. Heck, maybe I’ll just take four and grant myself a recovery period from all of this horror. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed at the state of things (I’m not flunking or anything, but the state of things by Penn standards) and I just want to sit down and cry for a minute. My heart feels all knotted.

RDP’s gallery got finished up, but between the actual opening of the gallery and all of the marketing type stuff, my attitude toward that grew worse as well. I woke up early on two separate days to go pick up poles because no one else was available-fine, whatever. I taped and posted the building signs by myself, but that’s my own deal because I just didn’t feel like waiting for the other two members of the marketing team to free up when I could just as easily do it alone, albeit with a lot of internal griping. It was all of the remaining stuff that’s irritated me. I keep forgetting to pick up the signs, which means that they are most likely totally destroyed by now, because they will have been removed and thrown away. They won’t be happy about that. I won’t really know what to tell them other than I’m human and I’m not the only human on the marketing team. We also got our poles taken down for us, because one member of the team responded that she would take care of it and then didn’t. Every time I think about RDP stuff, I just feel weary, even though I love the group itself. It’s interesting, it’s fun, and I’ve met some very nice people. Maybe I’m just not responsible enough to handle being in an actual position. That’s on me, too. But even though I recognize that everything is basically my fault, I can’t stop feeling like I want to blame everyone else. Maybe that’s just a human thing, too. *sigh*.

When it comes to GCC, I think I’ve made it pretty clear to almost anyone in my life that GCC and, within GCC, family group, are my favorite things. I’ve grown so much at GCC and continue to grow, and Lord knows I spend the majority of my time doing things with and for GCC and that I’m thrilled to do it. But my attitude is, again, super horrible, because so many times recently I feel so bitter toward certain people, even though I know I have nothing to feel proud in and therefore nothing about me warrants pat-on-the-back type behavior or anything. Nonetheless, I sometimes just struggle to do things for the sake of doing them for God’s glory, and not for the sake of being appreciated by anyone or loved any more by anyone. I think a large part of me loves family group for the people, which is fine sometimes but I think in my case is turning out to be a bad thing, because I’m so worried all the time about whether or not they like me. Unfortunately, one of my least favorite feelings is that of liking someone more than they like me. It’s happening with all three of my family group leaders. I think Jenn likes me more now, so that’s gratifying, but I’m always wondering how I can make her like me more. I adore Little Boots and I’m inclined to believe that the feelings are almost mutual. As long as I continue to profess my fondness for Joseph Gordon-Levitt we should be okay on a superficial level. Kevin’s been my family group leader for a year and a half now, but lightning strike me if don’t constantly worry that I’m just a pain in the neck. Everyone knows that Kevin’s one of my favorite people. I’m working on scaling that back, because the more important I make people, the more I want to be important, too, but you can’t demand the same things from everybody you demand from yourself. With the other actual members of Superglue I’m far more secure. I adore Jihae. I’m so glad that we’re in Superglue together and that we’re friends now. I also have the lovely Petal, who’s so awesomely affectionate that I don’t think I’ll ever have to worry about being loved by her. For everyone else, we’re all at pretty level ground. We don’t know each other very well, so our feelings about each other are pretty much equal. As far as Cruz and Benjie are concerned, I know them from outside of GCC and I’m secure in the aspects of our friendship that don’t concern God, but the rest is all stuff I’ll need to make a conscious effort to develop.

This whole post has no coherence and no underlying theme. It’s just a general mash-up of everything I’ve been feeling recently that I needed an outlet for. I’m such a needy, desperate person. From school, I need these grades and from RDP I need breathing room and from GCC and the people in it I’m desperate for love. And in all of this crap that I can feel suffocating me from time to time, I have the little pocket of oxygen that is Jesus Christ. How sad is it that He’s just the little pocket? I just need more air and I don’t know how to get it. It’s not like I’m not trying. I am trying, but nothing is good enough. I try really hard in classes and I can’t break past a particular grade barrier. I try to do my best in RDP but I just can’t prioritize it over school and GCC. I try to so hard to make the people at GCC love me but I’m so needy that it never feels like enough. And then I try to make my oxygen pockets of Christ larger, but it’s like I fail all the time. Sometimes I try to envision my future and all I can see is sadness and loneliness, albeit with a Bible in hand. If my life feels so frenetic now, what’ll become of me later? I try to have joy and happiness all of the time, but inevitably I end up back here again—insecure and sad, a hopeless little girl who barely counts as a developed human being. To top it all off, it’s Thanksgiving. I didn’t even think to write first about things I’m thankful for. *sigh*

Show me a way out.

Thanks for this.

All of a sudden, this happens. It doesn't really have anything to do with me, apart from the responsibility I have as your sister in Christ to attempt to help you with this. I'm not supposed to know. How can I bring this up? Should I? If I do this and you get angry, you'll tell them, they'll tell her, she'll get furious. I'll be on my own. My mom will ask questions. It'll get back to everyone else. I'll alienate family members on both sides of the division. All in the name of helping you when you don't want help. Why am I agonizing over this? Because He put me in this position. Am I being tested? This sucks. I'll be losing so much if this goes horribly. I need faith. I need to focus on the intangible. I'm supposed to leave everything behind for His sake, right? But this still sucks. Why did He pick me for this? I was just starting to be happy with everything. I was feeling peace. Why did He give it to me just to take it away? I can't ask anyone about this, not really. And by asking one person, I feel like I had to give up so much of myself. Now, because of what I've shared, they know more about me than I intended to share for a good long while. Honestly, couldn't you struggle with something else? Couldn't you be someone else? Couldn't I just take the "not my problem" approach to this without feeling like a horrible representative of Christ? I'll be praying.

Show me a way out.

He's Up To Something

This is from a while ago, but I still wanted to write about it.

I skipped class. Whoops, sorry! Okay, not that sorry. It was History of Chinese Civilization, and I had all of this other stuff to do, and I was more productive during that time than I would have been in class, that's for sure. Solitaire, I'm looking at you. So, yeah, my regret is limited. Before I went back to Gregory to revel in academia, I ate lunch in Houston with some friends from my hall that I ran into. At first everything was pretty standard for a conversation with Gregory people. Weird, oddly pointless despite the intellectual footholds people were using for arguments--no big deal. But all of a sudden, my friend K. was like, "I just realized now how much life really sucks." And one of our other friends was like, "Well, yeah." But this wasn't just a moment where someone gets annoyed because they didn't get something that they wanted, or because they just missed out on something, or whatever. This chick was straight up having a mini existential crisis right next to me. "Life sucks, and it never gets any better." I..just sat there. I had a bunch of different thoughts going through my head, but I didn't know how to attempt comforting this friend without sounding preachy. I know why I'm here, maybe not specifically, but I know Someone who has a plan for me. How am I supposed to share this with my friends in a way that won't make them want to run away from me? The more I think about it, the more I start to wonder if I should have just told her anyway. Everyone in Gregory that knows me knows that I'm a Christian, so it's not like it'd be this out-of-the-box thing for me to say. I think that if it had just been the two of us, I would have, but it wasn't just the two of us, so I guess I'll never know. Anyway, I'm kind of worried about this friend. I've heard of a few people this year who have had to just leave because they can't handle the pressure of Penn anymore, and all of them have been sophomores. I don't want her to have to do that; I mean, if she needs to, then by all means. But I really want to try to help her, you know? So, if you read this, give me some advice, please? ^^ Thanks.

I Love You.

Recently, certain things have prompted me to really examine my personality. These things include people commenting on how outgoing I am or on how many friends I have or how happy I am, but nothing forced me to actually think on all of these things together until Priscila informed me that I was going to be sharing my testimony for welcoming. Maybe to some of you sharing isn't such a big deal, but as I've already pointed out, sharing is not my favorite thing. When it comes to my testimony, I'm averse to sharing because it requires me to (however briefly) mention the status of my family and also dredges up bits and pieces of my past (not a k-drama melodramatic past or anything, but still. Stuff that contributed to my make-up. Foundational Octavia business.). After that bomb was dropped, I spent the rest of the week thinking about how to present my testimony. Would I sort of gloss it over with a quickie version, or would I try to be open? Again, some of you may have been super quick with that decision, but I really had to work to convince myself that being open with welcoming was a good thing and that it was going to be okay. When I started to think about my testimony I realized that everything was pretty short. Thinking back, there are a few things I didn't mention that maybe I could have (should have?). Regardless, I decided to sort of supplement the basic "and then I got saved" bit of my testimony with a way that God has actually been working in my life. This finally brings me back to what I was talking about at the beginning of this post.

Every time someone tells me how outgoing I am or comments on my friendly/outgoing/whatever personality, I mentally do a bit of a double-take. It's not like I try to be mean or anything--I do try to be nice to everyone. But people sometimes bring it up like it's...more than expected? I'm not sure exactly what I mean by that, but I'm just going to go on. I was talking to a couple of the sisters a couple weeks ago, and in response to one of the things we were talking about one of them said, " I just don't understand why with your personality this is hard for you." And I was like, what the heck? What personality? And then I felt like I needed to procure a little piece of information that hinted at what a broken mess I really am on the inside. I don't know if anyone happened to see a few of my gchat statuses last week, but the general idea was "Everyone thinks I'm that version of myself so...am I?" Because now literally everyone thinks that I'm a friendly, happy, outgoing person who loves everyone, and I wasn't quite sure if I saw myself that way. I've had problems loving people in the past. Constant rejection will do that to a person. It wasn't just direct rejection like boy stuff, though there was plenty of that. As much as I tried to deny or ignore it, my parents' assorted divorces and remarriages have effectively wreaked havoc with my psyche, along with other family related drama. I used to really struggle with loving people because I knew I couldn't guarantee that they would always love me back. Whether I did a good job of hiding it or not, I was a heartbroken child for a really long time. Despite all that, God somehow changed my life while I wasn't looking. My family situation hasn't much improved, and as previously stated on this blog there are not, nor have there ever been any boys, but regardless God made me happy. He restored my capacity to love people, and He gave it back to me stronger than it had ever been (though a certain Wharton personality quiz will argue that I'm still limited in my capacity to love and be loved--screw Wharton).

Thanks to welcoming and that crazy, domineering, loving Priscila, I was finally able to understand a bit more of the prayer I got all the way back during AMI. All of this time I've continued to believe that I'm a broken person, and probably parts of me still are. But rejection just isn't my identity, at least not anymore. God was working in ways I hadn't even realized until now (whoa, I just started crying a little), and He made His love my identity. I'm just a little overwhelmed, because I've gone all this time thinking, Oh, God's made me a little more mature, a little happier. I didn't recognize myself when I first looked at myself during my testimony soul-searching time. I didn't recognize that He completely overhauled my entire personality and turned me into someone He can use. I've gone from not being able to really like anybody to desperately wanting to love everybody, regardless of whether or not they'll ever love me back. I'm definitely not perfect at it--I'm still extraordinarily insecure as to whether or not people really care about me, and the more I care about somebody the more insecure I am. Just ask Priscila how often I remind her to pay attention to me/love me/etc. It's only half-joking. In the case of some people in my class, I have trouble trying to reach out to them because I feel like they don't like me. I'm not a perfect love machine. But wow...am I better.

I know sometimes I digressed a bit, but...whatever.

Ugh, Ew, Boys, Get Them Away From Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As if I don't have enough to worry about, you know? I have six classes worth of work to do, I have meetings, I have commitments all the way up to HERE, and still. STILL, my roommates cannot let go of this boy thing. They just don't understand all of the different directions I'm coming from with this, and instead choose to just plug their ears and la-la-la me out of the room so that they can get back to plotting my future without my input. The worst part is, it isn't just them! There's this creepy unspoken expectation that 2013 will follow the previous class's example and explode into a dating frenzy. There are my friends from PFP who creepily remember my time limit for boy consideration. People from my church and school back home could NOT stop asking me over the summer if I had met anyone special during my first year. My family...oh gosh, let me just give them bullet points.

• Mom: "So, how is [insert name here] doing?" Me: "Ew/Taken/Gay." Basically, my mother will just be thrilled if I tell her that I've found someone likable/available/straight, let alone if I start dating him.
• Dad #1: "Hey, how are the boys down there? Are you beating them off with a stick? When can I meet your boyfriends?" Yes, he pluralizes. Listening to him is just awful, since I feel like I'm behind the curve here and should have already had multiple romantic entanglements. Whoops.
• Dad #2: "So...Tave...any guys down there that you uh, might be interested in?" Oh, Dad #2. Just so heartbreakingly expectant. Maybe one of these days, Dad #2.
• Ari: "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, will you just start DATING already?! What the heck are you waiting for?! You're surrounded by all of these hot college guys!!! Tell them I'm almost eighteen." Omgosh, ew. I seriously fear for her after this year.
• Tydra (my aunt): "You're so Puritanical." This is basically her opinion of pretty much everything that I do(n't do).
• Grannie Rie: "Any nice boys down there?" Painfully hopeful!!! Oh, how I would be thrilled to present her with great-grandchildren, but further down the road and in wedlock.

I feel like ever since I've gotten back, the pressure has increased EXPONENTIALLY. Melanie and Ama have taken on madly stalk-tacular duties to hunt down a boy they've decided is perfect for me. Even my sister is calling me up to demand that I present her with nieces and nephews (oh heavens, she is going to be such a problem). The worst part of ALL, though, is that my own stupid organs have started to BETRAY ME. MY HEART HAS STARTED BEATING AND I AM SORELY DISPLEASED.

Let's not get excited. It is not beating for anyone in particular. It is just overcome with early (or late) spring fever. I am getting out my Tylenol. My roommates, if they read this, will probably die of joy. They'll use this as an opportunity to shove me in the direction of nameless-boy-that-is-nice-and-whatever. That isn't what I want.

Honestly, I still don't think that I'm ready for the kind of guy that I think God wants me to be with, which is what makes things harder. My Grinch sized heart has grown a size or some such crap, but there is no room for it. I cannot put it anywhere. So now I am all emotional but smart enough to realize that I'm probably still not ready, and everything is just a hodge-podge in my brain. I mean, I'm praying that maybe God will be like, "Oh, surprise!!! You're ready!" but I don't want to trick myself, you know? Because I don't think God goes, "LOL, jk." Any of those moments would have been brought on by my own willingness to deceive myself and then getting called out by God. My roommates (and really, along with my sister they are the primary offenders) are just like, "It's okay, just have a crush on somebody at least. Please, Octavia. PLEASE." They don't understand why I don't want crushes. To me, crushing on somebody is just another way to make yourself vulnerable, and if there's one thing I don't like being, it's vulnerable. I try to be vulnerable where God is concerned, but in all other areas I try to be a freaking brick house. It starts with, "Oh, Timmy is so cute and nice, perhaps I will just try to hang around him more often," and then turns into, "Oh, I saw Timmy today and he was so great I really like him," and ends with either "Oh, crap, Timmy started dating Tammy," or "Oh, crap, I kind of like Timmy but he found out, does not like me, and is now avoiding my like I am carrying malaria." I don't want that. Nobody wants that. I'm not going to open myself up to that until I've decided that I've found someone darn well worth it. Ama is also a bit of an advocate for the Date for Fun Party, but I'm most definitely not trying to do that, either. I've waited this long, so dagnabbit what I'm waiting for is going to be important. I'm not going to trivialize it.

I feel a bit weird posting about boys, but since so many people KEEP ON FREAKING ASKING, I figure this is a good way to sort of put this out there. Also, I feel like sometimes people think that because of my general enthusiasm for talking to people that I don't have many other feelings besides "I like talking and everything else," so I like using the blog to prove that I have a brain and other functioning organs .

Just a snippet stream of consciousness

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