This Post Is Of Next to No Significance.

I started writing this blog because I wanted to make public some of the things I was experiencing in both my Christian walk and my regular life. I mean, obviously those two things should be one thing, but I think you understand what it is I'm trying to say so I'm going to stop rationalizing that statement now. Anyway, I was talking to a 2013 sister about how hard it is to be genuinely open with people, at least for me. On My Yay was, I think, a pretty decent first step, but it's easier to be open across the internet when people can't see your eyes or listen to the tone of your voice or note your body language a la Lie to Me. When I'm face to face with people, I have to work to want to share with them. I don't know if it was my time at Satan's Darlings Elementary, or a natural byproduct of my dysfunctional family life, but I don't want to be open with anyone. Of course, most normal people won't be open right away, but honestly, it takes me an abnormally long time to be comfortable sharing with a person. Sure, I did it (to a point) in family group and I do it (to a point) with the other 2013 sisters, but I'll always manage to stop just short of truly opening up. I (and the other 2013 girl totally concurred) have this idea that everyone else has his life sorted out, and that my life is absolute wreckage in comparison. I don't want to share with people because I feel in my heart that once they know what really goes on inside of my head and in the rest of my life, those people will feel so burdened by the mess I am that they will run in the opposite direction. Emotionally secure I am not. Too many times I have been abandoned (and I won't open up about it because it's just too much [Oh, gosh, see? But I just can't.]) for me to trust that anyone can see all that I really am and not go away or shut me out. Here would typically be inserted the upswing of this post, that part that goes, "And so I see that God is the only one who truly accepts me just as I am, and He will never leave me nor forsake me. Amen, hallelujah." All of that is true; all of that's great. For this particular post, though, I'm not just concerned about my relationship with God, though, of course, that's a priority. I'm concerned about my ability to truly fellowship with other believers. When I'm talking to anyone I really want to have fun and be chill and just talk. Talking's fun. Talking is one of my favorite things to do. But I really start to clam up when the time rolls around to start talking about our feelings and crap. I can't just be like, I feel so awful because of what's happening here, because then I'm vulnerable. But being vulnerable is supposed to be a good thing when it comes to the Christian family, right? Except I hate it and I want no part of it. Then I get that expectant look and I share but it's always a modified version of what's really going on, or it's something that'll get people to move along rather than what's actually going on. Trust issues, that's what that is. But what do I do? Push through it, I guess. Share without regard to the risks. Ugh, I hate it. I want no part of it. But I guess I'll do it.