AMI = Adjusting My Identity

The AMI Revolution retreat was absolutely amazing, and I really want to write a post about it because I think writing it down will keep it straight for myself. I also want to share the experience with other people, assuming that other people actually stumble on over here. If you only want to read about the Revolution itself, skip to the middle because I'll probably have a lengthy lead-in.

When I finally met up with the rest of the GCC people headed to Atlanta, I felt genuinely relaxed for the first time in a while. I had really missed the Christian community thing being back at home, and under my breath I happily thanked God for the millionth time for bringing me to a place like GCC. Legit, I was happy to see everyone, even Jessie (hahaha, this is a joke, because in real life I actually love Jessie, get it?). I straight up pounced on Priscila (hilarious), and waited patiently for a Kevin that never came (devastating! gah! It's okay, he'll just have to be my family group leader in the fall). I was so excited to see everyone that I only slept like 1.5 cumulative hours on the trip down to Atlanta, a fact that everyone, especially JP, was thrilled to recount to any listening ear at JCA. People that I definitely did not know were like, Oh wait, I know your name. Didn't you like, not stop talking the entire way down here? Hah, Wrong. That is an untruth. I stopped talking for the 1.5 hours that I was asleep and the 3 hours that Sunny was busy calling Jabez "J-Bez", thanks so much.

The first day of AMI, we got our room assignments. Honestly, my roommates helped define AMI for me. Angela by being not at all put out by my wackness, Priscila by being a familiar presence and also limiting my contact with the opposite gender the entire weekend ("No boys except for ministry purposes!!! Don't talk to them!!!"), and Esther in a way that I'll explain later (P.S. God bless her for being the most adorable grown woman I have ever seen). To be honest, I think I must have been more tired than I realized, because even with my note-taking I only walked away with one thought after the Thursday night sermon, and that was making Christ my identity. I honestly don't remember much else without the help of my notes, and even they're a little sketchy. Regardless, that was the first thing I started praying for as a consequence of AMI: that I would make Christ my identity. For me, all of the other services just sort of fed into that initial idea, as well as other things that had been on my heart for a while. The message that Pastor Ulysses preached also really struck me because it went so perfectly with my life. I've mentioned before that I tend to compare myself with other people, mostly in ways that result in my being on the losing end. The other times that I make comparisons, though, I compare myself against people that I assume are weaker than I am, and that makes me feel stronger. I feel like I'm similar to Pastor Ulysses based on what he shared, which was that due to his fear of failure or fear of failing others, he compares himself to people in terms of service or morals so that he can make himself feel as though he's doing all right. He also addressed the fact that so many people lurk behind their environments as an excuse for their attitudes, and I while at the time I thought that that portion of the message didn't apply to me as much, it came into play later in the retreat. The second message of AMI contained more things that I was determined to address in my life, but it still had a core message that I added to my list: What is overflowing from my heart. Are you still reading this incredibly dry post? Remember that, it'll come back. The Friday night service was the lead-in to my real shake-up. It all really started during the worship. I was singing, but at the same time I couldn't help but notice the other people around me. I've never really been much of a clapper, or an emotion-shower in general. This is partially due to the way I was brought up in the church, partially due to the way I was brought up, and partially due to my general character (ooh, look at me focusing on my environment right there). I think that during that particular worship time I didn't sing much at all, I just prayed that God would fill me with His spirit the same way that other people seemed to be getting filled. I've been praying for a while that God would make Himself real to me, personally, and I think this was just another offshoot of that. Then there was the actual service. Pastor Sam preached on how we are God's children, not merely His servants. If we spend all of this time performing acts, hoping to improve our relationship with God based merely on performance, we're like canaries that have to flap their tiny little wings like, a freaking million times just to get off of the ground. If we wait upon the Lord, however, we'll soar like eagles. God's love is already there for us; He's already giving it to us and all we need to do is receive it. During the time of prayer, I pretty much just planted my face to the ground (not really literally, because I'm not very flexible, but you get the point) and tried to find out why I don't love God as much as I should. I held God up against my parents and against other people that I value and tried to convince myself of the obvious, that unlike any of these people, God won't hurt me or leave me or reject me. So why can't I just love Him more than I love these other people, more than I love people in general? One of the strongest things I felt was that I really need to spend more time in God's word and in prayer. I've gotten so much better about doing my devotions every day, but I know that I've started to settle into an attitude of complacency, of let's get this done so I can sleep. I thought back to how I am affected by the overflow of my heart, and that I can't love others if I don't love God. I took a minute to really pause and pray for the ability to love my family. My family situation is this whole gigantic can of worms that I really hate cracking open, but suffice it to say that I really find it difficult to act in a loving way toward most of my family members. I could blame it on a million things, but something that was reinforced in me from Pastor Ulysses' morning message was that I am responsible for my own responses. So I prayed to God that He would help me love my family despite the junk that goes down on a nearly daily basis. When I finally finished praying by myself, I got in line to be prayed for by Pastor Sam. Waiting in that line was one of the most stressful things ever. I was so anxious about what God would do, but eager at the same time. I had only been prayed over once before, so it was and still is one of those new things, you know? I don't think that I breathed regularly the entire time that I was waiting. When I finally got up there, it was completely worth it. I felt like Pastor Sam's prayer for me covered everything I had been feeling since even before the retreat. I'll go ahead and paraphrase, but he basically said that God was telling me that rejection (and a handful of other sad sounding words) was not my identity, but that He was my identity (ooooh, did you CATCH THAT?). He prayed that God would fill me with His anointing (thaaaank you, I wanted that), he prayed that I would know I am God's child, and he prayed that I would basically just be internally healed. Then he was finished, and I went right to the back of the room and just like, lost my mind for a minute there. I was so overwhelmed because I was like, GOD HEARD ME. I feel like I know all of these things about God, like, yes, He is there and yes, He is listening, but it was the first time in a really long time, if not in forever, that I really experienced it for myself. The rest of the retreat was just like, frosting on my Friday night cake. The Saturday morning service had Pastor Mark talking about how the Holy Spirit was like, a gift, and not an answer to morality, which was really a huge encouragement to me since I was trying so hard to be moral enough and good enough to be as Spirit-filled as other people that I know. Pastor Young preached on Sunday night, and it was a good message but totes def the same one from May 16, hahahahaha. It was the prayer time afterward that I really appreciated, where Esther prayed for me and really just confirmed everything that Pastor Sam had prayed for me as well, so I just felt really secure with what God wanted for me after I prayed with her.

This post is completely wack, in that it lacks coherence and there is a distinct shortage of wit happening. It's honest, at least, so I'll give myself points for that.