Transferred From Xanga: 1040 Documentary Viewing=180 Degree Transformation

6:05--

Peter comes down to take over the front desk, upon which I realize that it's 6:05 and, therefore, five minutes after the time that he's supposed to come down and take over for me. I don't get evil about this for three reasons: 1) There's no reason to compromise my testimony over a lousy five minutes, 2) I was late taking over the shift this afternoon, too, so it'd be pretty hypocritical of me to get annoyed with Peter, and 3) Family group ended last week, so I'm not in a hurry to be anywhere at six anyway. Then I remember the 1040 documentary screening with Jaeson Ma, which I've been intermittently forgetting and remembering all day long. According to the Facebook invitation it started at six, it was 6:05 and I hadn't even left my dorm, which is at least ten minutes away from Claudia Cohen Hall at a decent pace. I briefly debated over whether or not I should go. Some of my reasons for my eventual departure were decent--I knew about the 1040 window from a missionary that came to speak at Bethel a while ago, and since I tend to tuck things into my Bible case and never throw them away, I had just revisited the piece of paper that contained information on the 1040 window and a little calendar with each country in the window so that you could pray for them through a month. I did have an interest in hearing more about the 1040 window and what was happening over there since, let's be real, I'm an ignorant American and I don't know much about anything not American. I had also clicked attending on the Facebook invitation and had told friends that I would be there. I'm kind of a stickler for following through on things, so I wasn't quite able to convince myself that it would be okay if I skipped. My one not-so-decent reason for attending the screening was Jaeson Ma. The pastor himself wasn't the draw--it was the knowledge that if I were breathing the same air as Jaeson Ma, my six degrees of separation from Choi Siwon (the imagined and unrequited love of my life) would be effectively reduced to one. And so, with all of these reasons working together, I hurried off to the screening, pausing only to dump my stuff in my room and buy some snacks from the vending machine since, again, it's a movie. You just want to snack, it's natural.

6:17--

I walk into the building and try to remember where G17 is, since I've only been in there a grand total of three times and I seem to undergo some sort of memory wipe every time I leave the building. God made it easy; I went down to the ground level and there was a giant hand-printed sign tacked up leading the way for people that were there to see the screening. I got into the room and it hadn't actually started, so that was a blessing because walking in after missing a chunk of a movie just sucks and you feel out of it for the rest of the time you're there. I saw this girl from my church who had apparently walked in just before me and sat down next to her. She looked up and realized that she couldn't see, which made me look up and realize that I couldn't see because of this giant freaking pillar planted directly in front of me, doing an excellent job of holding up the ceiling but not making my film-viewing experience any better. We relocated and settled down.

6:23-ish--

Jaeson Ma comes up and starts to break down what we're about to see in the documentary, so woo-hoo, mission accomplished--Choi Siwon and Octavia are only one degree apart. Then I start to actually pay attention to what he's saying and, I'll be honest, I started to feel belligerent on the inside. What he said was roughly this, that Asia was becoming the new spiritual leader and that leadership was passing from the West to the East. He said that faith and Christianity was different in Asia than in the United States or in other Western countries. I knew it was true even as I listened, but still a part of me was thinking, So what, God's new favorite people are the Asians? What about me, then? I'm not Asian, I'm not Jewish, so what's God's awesome plan for me? In short, I got all heated up before I even saw the movie. I felt like this random pastor had popped up and had just told me that I wasn't what God was looking for, and by the way, here's this super cool documentary about how their faith is so much better than yours, I can't wait for you to see it and tell me what you think.

6:35-ish--

The movie starts. Even within the movie, I'm still hearing all of this stuff about how Asia is the new spiritual superpower, even as they become stronger economic powers. I'm still getting angry. The movie goes through China, Korea, and Hong Kong before my heart starts to soften to what God is actually doing in these nations. As I watched the movie I asked God to humble me, so that I would support what was happening in Asia. You have to see this documentary to understand. I watched this movie and I got challenged in so many different ways, and I have so many things I want to say to certain people.

Whatever point in time it was that Indonesia popped up--

Holy crap, Indonesia. Listen, those of you who went to Bethel with me know what it's like there. My experience from the last time I was home could only be described as grey. Indonesia...listen, some of what I have to say regards my shifts in faith from last year until now, but I can tell you that I believe in what God is doing to those people in Indonesia that I saw in that documentary. I got chills, and I got jealous. I don't know if I've ever wanted God that badly in my life. I kept thinking about this even during the movie, how Asia was rising up. I wanted to know who was responsible for losing America's chance to do what Asia is doing. Was it me? Was it my parents? Was it my grandparents? What happened to us that we don't want God that much, that we think we don't need God? Is it opulence? Can't be, because people in Korea are almost as well off as we are if not better off and they have the biggest churches in the world up in there. Where's my country that hungers after God? It's gone, apparently, and I'm so angry with whoever ruined it. Was it me? I am completely losing track of this timeline because my mind is still going in so many different directions.

Whatever point in time it was that those Korean missionaries to Afghanistan came in--

I can't remember who was at Northland with me that summer, but I took that seminar called "Love Me to Death" on the day where you get to pick what message/class you want to go to. This is what I was reminded of when this segment in the documentary rolled around. This whole film was filled with people who had completely given over their lives to Christ, and the whole time I was thinking, Hey, I can do that. I want to do that. I can just live for God and everything will be coming up roses (notice how I temporarily forgot how freaking HARD this is). Then this portion of the documentary kicks in and I have my "Love Me to Death" flashback. These people went to Afghanistan to offer medical aid and slip in some Jesus on the side (or probably the other way around). They knew when they went that it was going to be dangerous, since Koreans had been specifically warned. They got taken hostage and two of them got martyred and I kept flashing back to "Love Me to Death" because I don't think I love God that much, and that shames me to no end but I'm being honest so I'll say it. My life here in America is so easy that I don't think about persecution or giving over my life for God in ways that hurt me. Most if not all of my friends here know that I'm a Christian and that I'm a pretty strict churchgoer and that I don't swear and that I do my very best not to touch boys ever under any circumstance until they're so deeply in friend territory that I won't have to feel uncomfortable about it. So all of my friends know these things about me and then I call it a day, tossing out a quick devotional and an even quicker prayer before going to sleep at night. I pat myself on the back for this and feel secure in the knowledge of this ritual and then I go watch this documentary where some guy is like, Listen, let me die for Christ because it's WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED. Oh, my gosh. What do I want? I want money, I want friends, I want to get married (to Choi Siwon, please, Jesus) and I want to live in a big house with my family and my yard and a nice church right down the street so that we don't have to travel too far and what the heck is wrong with my life right now? I've turned into one of those people that's made their Christianity an accessory for their lives and just puts it on and forgets about it until someone comments on it. "Oh nice earrings you have there." "Why, thank you, I just bought them last week." "Oh, so you don't drink. You some kind of Christian?" "Well, yes, yes I am. How nice of you to notice." I invite my friends out, true, but I'm so timid about it, so worried that if I invite them to come to something where GCC is going to look too weird (and, come on...) that they'll never come out again. I was talking to a friend the other night and she told me that I'm too accepting of the way things are and that I don't try to change things, and it was so true that I kept thinking about it even later. I look at my unsaved friends and my unsaved family and think, Well, there's nothing that I can do about that. And then there are these Korean missionaries who decide that they're just going to hop on over into Afghanistan and try to witness to people who hate Christianity. What would I have done? I probably would have taken one look at Afghanistan and said, Well, there's nothing that I can do about that.

7:51 (I actually saw the time at some point)--

The screening ends and Jaeson Ma comes to the front again. He talks about his calling and about the ways that God spoke into his life and what do you know? I'm jealous again.
There are a few times when he's talking that I sort of ignore him a bit to think about what I could do in my life that could possibly benefit the work of God in the 1040 window. I have no idea, but sometimes I feel like everything is there, you know? I've got this thing with Chinese and this thing with the talking and sweet old Mr. Wisnat telling my mother that he thinks God is going to use me+Chinese to=something awesome.
I had to keep asking God to humble me, because I think so much of my annoyance at this Asia=awesome new spiritual power business was this mentality of, What makes them so much better than me? But it's not about me, and God's plan is so much bigger than me. Besides, if I want a piece of that Great Commission, God isn't going to stop me, so shouldn't I just do something already?
Jaeson Ma just tells us to pray for a while, and as I stand there and pray I tell God that I'm challenging Him. If this life isn't for myself and it's for Him, then He needs to give me a purpose. I stood before God and I demanded a calling, because I want to live for Him, but what am I supposed to do if I don't know how? At one point I ask God for something that shames me into crying harder (the tears were welling before when those Korean martyrs were talked about and they didn't completely dry up, anyway). I ask God for a heart that really desires Him and really desires to serve Him, because right now I don't have one. I re-surrender everything that I have taken back into my hands, because I want to be like the people I saw in that documentary tonight.

I'm giving up on this timeline crap, I don't care anymore. It's late and I'm tired--

Jaeson Ma (how many times have I typed this dude's name, anyway?) asked if there were any people who would agree to go somewhere in the 1040 window for at least a couple of years in the next ten years, and I stood. I don't know what I'm doing. I've always wanted to go to China, I've certainly planned on it, but for a semester, not for a freaking two years. I'm making this public because I want people to correct me on things, to argue with me on things, to help me arrange every feeling that I felt inundated with today into something of usefulness. I feel like I wrote this post and I lost track of all my thoughts and started verbal hemorrhaging all over the place. I think I brought up like, five idea threads and lost three and brought in another two that were completely unrelated, so I apologize but I'll also say this: I didn't write this post so that people would read it and say, Wow, that girl can really put a paragraph together and stick with an idea. I wrote this post so that people would say, I think that chick might just love God and wants to love Him a whole lot more so how can I get behind that?

Thanks.